The Shrimp in the Hat
by redwalgrl-RG
Summary: [CRACKFIC] Edward Elric and other FMA cast members reinact the wonderful children's book The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. Insanity insues.


**The Shrimp in the Hat**

…Please, for your safety, don't ask. Edward and company cast in The Cat in the Hat. Why? To teach children about innuendos! No, I kid. But seriously. It's five thirty in the morning, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

…RHYME. OHOHOHO.

So who's who? You'll have to read and find out!

That should do it. Italic quotes are the actual quotes from the book. Some may be altered, I apologize in advance. I own absolutely nothing, this idea was actually borrowed from another fic I saw on here a good year or so ago…

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The lights click on, shining down on a small children's room filled with many toys, left quite a mess. Two figures walk onto the stage, the first Frank Archer, the second Roy Mustang. Both take seats in the two present kiddy chairs, Roy nearly falling off.

Archer clears his throat and pulls out a piece of paper, looking down at it incredulously. "Here goes nothing."

_"__The sun did not shine__It was too wet to play.__So we sat in the house__All__ that cold, cold, wet day.__"_

Roy glanced out the window and made a face at the downpour. "As Riza would say, 'You're useless in the rain, sir!'"

"You're useless pretty much anywhere…"

"What!?"_"__I sat there with Sally.__We__ sat there, we two.__And I said, '__How I wish__We__ had something to do!__'"_

"Wait, wait, you didn't just call me Sally."

"Well… You are rather feminine, Mustang. And it's either you or me playing the female role."

"But that's unfair! You always play the female role!"

"No I don't!!"

Roy grumbled something and crossed his arms, leaning back in the kiddy chair and once again almost falling out. He caught himself in time though, and mumbled under his breath, "I know some things we can do…"

"Roy," Archer hissed, elbowing him in the ribs and returning to the story._"__Too wet to go out__And__ too cold to play ball.__So we sat in the house__We did nothing at all.__"_

"Well, we could—"

Archer quickly shook his head with a retorted response of, "No. No we couldn't."

"Well, we could play ball in the house!"

"Why do I get the feeling that there are sexual connotations there?"

Roy just grinned.

_"__So all we could do was to__Sit__Sit!__Sit!__Sit!__And we did not like it.__Not one little bit.__"_

Roy promptly fell out of the chair and grinned up at Archer. "Hah! I'm not sitting anymore. Take that nursery rhyme! Oh! You just got owned!"

Archer sighed and rested an elbow on his knee, chin on hand. "You're an idiot."

** BUMP****! **

"What the hell was that!?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're the one narrating this damn thing!"

_"__And then__something went BUMP!__How __that bump__ made us jump!__"_

Roy jumped back upright immediately holding his hands out in a snapping position as Archer slowly drew his gun. "Something's not right here, Lieutenant Colonel. We might just have to fight for our lives."

"In a _children's_ book!?"

The Flame Alchemist just nodded, fingers tapping together against the thick fabric.

_"__We looked!__Then we saw him step in on the mat!__W__e looked!__And we saw him!__The Shrimp__ in the Hat!__"_

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN BE MISTAKEN FOR A MICROSCOPIC PIECE OF MATTER FOUND BENEATH THE OCEAN AT HIGH TIDE!?"

"Oh, it's just Edward." Roy relaxed, placing the hand on his hip instead. "Wait, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Why, I'm the Elric in the hat!"

Archer shook his head, gesturing to the paper. "No, no, it says 'Shrimp.'"

"WHO THE HELL WROTE THAT THING!? GIVE IT TO ME!" Edward charged but Archer yanked the paper away in time, leaving the Shrimp in the Hat to careen into the wall.

_"__And he said to us,__"_

Edward got up with a groan and mumbled, _"Why do you sit there like that?"__"I know it is wet__And__ the sun is not sunny.__But we can have__Lots of good fun that is funny!"_

Both Archer and Roy just stared at him, wondering how the English language just got so butchered that it could still be a children's book. "How… You know, I don't think I want to know." Archer sighed, moving a little bit and finally standing up. Much more comfortable.

"Funny." Roy restated, shaking his head. "Edward, you've sunk to a new low."

"Oh shut up, pony-boy!" Edward snapped, glaring, already getting ready to transmute his automail into the usual blade.

"Where the hell did you get that from? Have you been hanging around with Kimbley!?"

"Maybe…"

_He's more of a whore than I am,_ Archer thought to himself, then cleared his throat and tapped the paper. "Can we move on?"

Edward grumbled and crossed his arms, saying, _"I know some good games we could play,"_

_"Said the shrimp."_ Archer interjected.

_"I know some new tricks,"_ Edward continued, glaring over at the older man.

_"__Said the Shrimp__ in the Hat.__"_

"Knock it off!" Edward glowered and finally continued after a small silence, _"A lot of good tricks.__I will show them to you.__Your mother__Will__ not mind at all if I do."_

"Mother?" Roy repeated, quirking an eyebrow. "Yeah, she won't mind at all, she's in Xing."

"Mine's dead." Archer added.

"Same here, but that doesn't really matter in a children's book, does it?" Edward shifted the red and white stripped had perched on his head and gestured for Archer to continue.

_"__Then Sally and I__Did__ not know what to say.__Our mother was out of the house__For__ the day.__"_

"My name's not Sally!"

"Yes, yes, we know that, Roy."

Edward just snickered. "Why aren't you wearing a dress then?"

"You, shut up." Roy held up a hand to snap again.

But before he could, Archer continued, _"__But our fish said,__"_

"Fish?" Roy interrupted. "We don't have a fish, Frankie. We had a cat, until you shot it."

Edward took a few steps away and idly pawed at the hat, hoping that Archer wouldn't remember what this children's book was originally titled.

"Well, yes, I did, but we apparently now have a fi—"

Suddenly, out from the fishbowl popped Alex Louis Armstrong, pink sparkles and all. "Friends, I have been cast as the role of the fish!"

"Oh god,"

Armstrong chuckled jovially and picked up easily, _"No! No!__Mak__e that boy go away!__Tell that Shrimp__ in the Hat__You__ do NOT want to play.__He should not be here__He should not be about.__He should not be here__When__ your mother is out!"_

"We don't have a mother. Frankie and I are—"

"No need to tell anyone that," Archer clasped a hand over Roy's mouth with a tight, forced grin. "Let's just continue, shall we?"

Edward grumbled something about not being a shrimp and nodded, while Armstrong struck a pose that apparently meant yes.

_"Now!__ Now! Have no fear.__Have no fear!"_

_"S__aid__ the shrimp_" Archer interrupted Edward yet again.

_"My tricks are not bad,"_

_"__Said the Shrimp__ in the Hat._"

"Call me that again, and I swear I'll kick your pale ass back to the planet it came from!" Edward growled. _"Why, we can have__Lots of good fun, if you wish__with a game that I call__UP-UP-UP with a__… freak!_

The two stared at the script for a long moment before Armstrong dramatically pretended to be lifted by Edward, ignoring the snorts and giggles coming from Roy's general direction. _"Put me down!"_

_"S__aid the freak_"

_"This is no fun at all!__Put me down!"_

_"S__aid the freak_"

_"I do NOT wish to fall!"_ Armstrong of course sounded far to happy proclaiming these lines, as the other three stared on, sweat dropping.Edward, taking cue to his role, struck a rather heroic pose and proclaimed, _"Have no fear!"_

_"S__aid the shrimp_"

"I'm warning you," Edward threatened. _"I will not let you fall.__I will hold you up high__As__ I stand on a ball.__With a book on one hand!__And a cup on my hat!__But that is not ALL I can do!"_

_"__Said the shrimp__"_

"Why do I get the feeling that's supposed to be taken sexually?" Roy asked to no one in particular.

"Please, don't…" Archer sighed, and rubbed at his forehead. This was not going the way it was planned. Not at all.

_"Look at me!__Look at me now!"_ Edward claimed, balancing on a toy ball and balancing a cup on his hat, as well as a book. "Say anything else about this and you die."

_"Sa__id the shrimp_"

_"With a cup and a cake__On the top of my hat!__I can hold up __TWO books!__I can hold up the freak__And a litt__l__e toy ship!__And some milk on a dish!__And look!__I can hop up and down on the ball!__But that is not all!__Oh, no.__That is not all..._"

"How the hell are you balancing all that?" Roy asked needlessly. "You're going to fall over."

"Now, now, Colonel Mustang! Do not spoil it for the little children watching this!"

"…Children are…" Archer turned as if to look out at the audience and winced. "Oh shit." A short pause. "I mean… Ugh."_"Look at me!__Look at me!__Look at me NOW!__It is fun to have fun__But__ you have to know how.__I can hold up the cup__And__ the milk and the cake!__I can__ hold up these books!__And the freak__ on a rake!__I can hold the toy ship__And__ a little toy man!__And look! With my tail__I can hold a red fan!__I can fan with the fan__As__ I hop on the ball!__But that is not all.__Oh, no.__That is not all..."_

"Okay, Ed. Put all that stuff down and get off the ball." Mustang stated, eyes wide. At least he wasn't really carrying Armstrong.

"It's a part of the book, I don't think he'll listen."

"I'd love to listen!" Edward called, staggering a little under the weight of all of that. "But I've been promised the Philosopher's Stone as a reward if I do this!"

"What!?"

_Well, at least it's not Kimbley._ Archer thought with a sigh, and then continued, _"__That is what t__he shrimp __said...__Then he fell on his head!__He came down with a bump__From__ up there on the ball.__And Sally and I__We saw ALL the things fall!_"

Edward let out a feminine screech and fell to the floor, everything falling all over and around him with a loud crash.

"Hope that didn't wake the neighbors," Roy mumbled. "And stop calling me Sally!"

_"And our freak__ came down, too.__He fell into a pot!__He said,_"

All stared over expectantly at Armstrong, until the man finally sat on top of a pot, as if that would really work.

"This is such a stupid waste of time…"

"Shut up, Roy." Edward struggled out from underneath all the stuff. "Just shut up."

_ "Do I like this?"__Oh, no! I do not.__This is not a good game,"_

_"__Said our freak__ as he lit.__"_Archer paused and stared at that line. "Wait, lit?"

Roy shrugged. "Maybe you can't read Scheska's writing. Or maybe she wrote it down wrong."

"No, no, she's pretty good about things like this."

"How would you know!? Are you cheating on me!?"

"Roy—!" Too late. Archer mentally winced and gestured for Armstrong to continue.

_"No, I do not like it__Not one little bit!"_ He took a deep breath and then continued, "The Armstrong line has never had a gay child, it is most certainly frowned upon by society, but you two are my dear friends and I shall overlook your gayness for one another so long as you agree that you shall never be gay for these amazing muscles!" And with that, he struck a pose.

"Yeah, that's an easy promise." Roy sweat dropped._"Now look what you did!"_

_"Said the freak to the shrimp__"_

_"Now look at this house!__Look at this! Look at that!__You sank our toy ship__Sank it deep in the cake__You shook up our house__And__ you bent our new rake__You SHOULD NOT be here__When__ our mother is not.__You get out of this house!"_

_"Said the freak__ in the pot.__"_

"This is one f—ked up story." Roy nodded to himself as Archer glared at him. Apparently the fact that this was a children's story still hadn't hit Roy.

"Can we be done with this yet?" Edward asked, shoving the books off him and getting up, dusting himself off. "Please?"

"No, it's your line." Archer gestured to the paper.

_"But I like to be here__Oh, I like it a lot!"_

_"Said the Shrimp in the Hat__To the freak__ in the pot.__"_

_"I will NOT go away.__I do NOT wish to go!__And so,"_

_"S__aid the Shrimp__ in the Hat,__"_

_"So__so__so...__I will show you__Another__ good game that I know!"_

"Oh no, not again,"

"Said the sister named—"

"Alright, enough, Archer."

"Couldn't resist." Archer smirked lightly.

Edward finally whined, "Why is it that I have to repeat myself and abandon the English language for rhyme?"

No one answered, so finally Archer started narrating again, _"__And then he ran out.__An__d, then, fast as a fox__The Shrimp __in the Hat__Came back in with a box.__A big red wood box.__It was shut with a hook.__"_

"Why do I get the feeling something really bad is in that box?" Roy asked.

"Well, it can't be Kimbley, it would have been blown up by now." Archer responded with a sigh. "Edward, if you please,"

_"Now look at this trick,"_

_"Said the shrimp__"_

_"Take a look!"_

Roy groaned and looked at Edward, watching him attempting to get on top of the box. "Are you some sort of attention whore or something? I mean seriously, you've been asking for us to look at you like the entire time."

"Shut up, at least I'm not a stupid Colonel!"

"Well at least I'm not a stupid bean!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU CAN'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE MANAGES TO GET LOST BETWEEN THE FIBERS OF THE PAPERS YOU NEVER COMPLETE!"

"He has a point…" Archer shook his head and continued before either of the two could kill each other, _"__Then he got up on top__With__ a tip of his hat.__"_

"Nngh… dammit! I can't get up! Someone give me a hand!"

"An Armstrong will always be there to help a child when in need!" Armstrong proclaimed loudly and launched Edward into the air, a good five feet above the box, causing the boy to fall down and nearly splatter on it.

_"I call this game FUN-IN-A-BOX,"_ Edward panted.

_"Said the shrimp__"_ Archer promptly added.

_"In this box are two things__I will show to you now.__You will like these two things,"_

_"__Said the shrimp__ with a bow.__"_

The box moved and lurched rather violently under Edward, who had to cling to the box to keep from falling off. "Yeah, yeah, they're great things alright, just let them out so they don't eat me or something!"

Roy started to back away, holding up his hands in peace. "Now, now, FullMetal, I know we've been at odds with each other before, but there's really no need to unleash something wild and rabid on me…"

"I wonder if it's Tucker," Archer murmured aloud, not having moved at all._"I will pick up the hook.__You will see something new.__Two things.__ And I call them__Thing One and Thing Two.__These Things will not bite you.__They want to have fun."_

"That sounds _so_ wrong."

"Everything sounds wrong to you, Mustang!" Edward retorted.

_"__Then, out of the box__Came__ Thing Two and Thing One!__And they ran to us fast.__They said,__"_

_"How do you do?__Would you like to shake hands__With Thing One and Thing Two?"_

The group just stared, watching as Winry and Scheska popped out of the box and ran over to Archer and Roy, squealing the proclaimed lines. "Edward! How dare you keep me in a box! I'm gonna cut your head off!" Winry yelled over toward the shorter blonde, already wielding her wrench.

"Now, now, Winry! Calm down! I'm not—wait, which head?"

"Edward!"

The FullMetal Alchemist shrugged, "Go on."

_"__And Sally and I__Did__ not know what to do.__So we had to shake hands__With Thing One and Thing Two.__We sho__ok their two hands.__But our freak__ said,__"_

_"No! No!__Those Things should not b__e__In__ this house! Make them go!__They should not be here__When__ your mother is not!__Put them out! Put them out!"_ Armstrong stated, posing all the while and earning weird looks from Scheska and Winry.

_"Said the freak__ in the pot.__"_ Archer finally added in the annoying monotone he'd been using the entire time.

"He doesn't seem to understand that you keep calling him a freak," Roy noticed out loud, earning that usual empty stare from Archer. "What? I can't help it that I'm a little slow!"

"A little?" Edward scoffed. "Why, you're about as slow as—"

"Ed is short?" Winry supplied with a devious grin.

"Why yes as—hey wait a minute!!"

"Edward," Archer sighed, "please carry on."

_"Have no fear, little freak_

_"Said the Shrimp__ in the Hat.__"_

_"These Things are good Things."_

_"__And he gave them a pat.__"_

Edward reached over and patted Winry and Scheska on the head, the latter wincing and the former growling, "You're dead, you little shrimp!"

"And I'm not a thing!" Scheska finally added. "I'm a person!"

"Oh really?" Roy countered, with that usual arrogant smirk.

"Yes, really." Archer responded with a sigh. "Can we please move on?" At this rate, it was going to be a monotonous thing to read a child, and what good was a children's story that children couldn't read?

_"They are tame__ Oh, so tame!__They have come here to play.__They will give you some fun__On__ this wet, wet, wet day."_ Edward finally groaned, dodging a swing from Winry's wrench. "Hey, hey, relax! This isn't my doing! Blame the scriptwriter!"

"Shut up, Ed, before I clobber you!"

"Someone's having PMS…"

"Roy, don't say things like that aloud." Archer reprimanded, blanching as the mechanic glared over at them._"Now, here is a game that they like,"_

_"Said the shrimp__"_

_"They like to fly kites,"_

_"Said the Shrimp__ in the Hat__."_

"Will you ever stop that!?" Edward caught the wrench on the automail arm, glaring back at Archer. "I'm not, I repeat _not_, short!!"

Roy chuckled and glanced over at Armstrong, who continued, _"No! Not in the house!"_

_"Said the freak__ in the pot.__"_

_"They should not fly kites__In__ a house! They should not.__Oh, the things they will bump!__Oh, the things they will hit!__Oh, I do not like it!__Not one little bit!"_

"How are we supposed to fly kites in the house?" Scheska asked, straightening her glasses and looking a little bemused by the whole situation. "I don't think I really get it."

"You wouldn't." Winry snorted. "Come on, let's go find something to use as a kite!"

_"__Then Sally and I__Saw__ them run down the hall.__We saw those two Things__Bump their kites on the wall!__Bump! Thump! Thump! Bump!__Down the wall in the hall.__"_

"Frank, have you forgotten my name!?" Roy asked, terrified. "Please, please tell me, tell me you know my name! You scream it every night during sex anyway, but how could you forget so quickly!"

"Roy," Archer ground his teeth together, trying to melt the anger away, "I haven't forgotten your name. This is a part of the book."

"Oh. Carry on then!"

Archer really wanted to slam his head against a hard object right then, but continued valiantly, _"__Thing Two and Thing One!__They ran up! They ran down!__On the string of one kite__We__ saw Mother's new gown!__Her gown with the dots__That__ are pink, white and red.__Then we saw one kite bump__On__ the head of her bed!__"_

"Damn, that's one ugly dress."

"Oh shut up, FullMetal. I'm sure our 'mother' has great taste in the lingerie department."

"Do not want," Archer grumbled more to himself than to the other two. "Shut up, we'll get done faster." He took a deep breath and continued, _"__Then those Things ran about__With__ big bumps, jumps and kicks__And with hops and big thumps__And all ki__nds of bad tricks.__And I said__'__I do NOT like the way that they play__If Mother could see this,__Oh, what would she say!__'"_

"Well, she's not real, so she probably wouldn't say much."

"Shut up, Roy. Just shut up."

Edward grumbled and shifted on the box a little, glancing over at Armstrong, who was still sitting on the pot, and then back to where Winry and Scheska were causing chaos. "Can we just finish this already?"

_"Then our freak__ said,__"_

_ "Look! Look!"_

_"And our freak__ shook with fear.__"_

Armstrong paused to fake shake, which looked completely unrealistic. _"Your mother is on her way home!__Do you hear?__Oh, what will she do to us?__What will she say?__Oh, she will not like it__To__ find us this way!"_

Roy looked over at him incredulously. "Well, duh she won't like it. She'll blame us for the mess. And when we tell her it was a shrimp and two things I don't think she'll believe it."

"And besides, we don't have a mother." Archer sighed.

_"So, DO something! __Fast!"_

_"S__aid the freak__"_

_"Do you __hear!__I saw her. Your mother!__Your mother is near!__So, as fast as you can__Think of something to do!__You will have to get rid of__Thing One and Thing Two!"_

"Get rid of!?" Winry shrieked from one of the back rooms. "How dare you! I'll kill you first!"

"She's really annoying," Archer stated to himself, glancing over at the others. "Let's hurry up and finish this up."

"I'm interested who our 'mother' is. We have Armstrong as a fish, Winry and Scheska as things, and shrimp as… well, aptly, a shrimp."

"Shut up, Colonel!"

_"__So, as fast as I could__I __went after my net.__And I said, '__With my net__I can get them I bet.__I bet, with my net__I can get those Things yet!__'"_ Archer stared at the script and groaned. "Oh you have got to be kidding me. I'm not about to chase after them with a net!"

"It's in the script, Frankie-babe, do it!"

"I really hate life," Archer grumbled and located a rather old, barnacle-encrusted fishing net hidden in the back corner of the room. "Ew," With that, he tossed it over the two girls and continued, _"__Then I let down my net.__It came down with a PLOP!__And I had them! At last!__Tho__s__e two Things had to__ stop.__Then I said to the shrimp__'__Now you do as I say.__You pack up those Things__And__ you take them away!__'"_

"Yay!" Roy cheered happily, punching his fists in the air. "It's almost over!"

"You make it sound like it was torture, good friend! Surely putting on a show for young children is not a torturous act!" Armstrong said with a smile.

Roy glanced over at Archer and mumbled in an undertone, "Well, Frankie is a sadist and he likes to put me through some weird shit…"

_"Oh dear!"_

_"Said the shrimp,"_

_"You did not like our game__Oh dear.__What a shame!__What a shame!__What a shame!"_ Edward whined, and then again for even more emphasis, "What a shaaaaame!"

"Shut up, Ed! And get me out of here!" Winry struggled underneath the net, bumping into Scheska, who didn't do much at all to help._"__Then he shut up the Things__In th__e box with the hook.__And the shrimp__ went away__With__ a sad kind of look.__"_

"Aww, you know you love me, FullMetal!"

"I hate you, Mustang!" And with that, Edward somehow or other dragged the red box out the door, making a fake 'sad look' as he left.

_"That is good,"_

_"Said the freak__"_

_"He has gone away. Yes.__But your mother will come__She will find this big mess!__And this mess is so big__And so deep and so tall__We ca not pick it up.__There is no way at all!"_

"How can a mess be deep and tall?" Roy asked to the other two, unsure if he wanted a real answer or not.

"It's for the rhyme, Roy." Archer sighed. "Look, we're almost done. Let's hurry through the last part and get this over with." With that, he added, _"__And THEN!__Who was__ back in the house?__Why, the shrimp__"_

_"Have no fear of this mess,"_

_"Said the Shrimp__ in the Hat.__"_

"After this is over, you're so dead." Edward ran a finger across his throat in explanation. _"I always pick up all my playth__ings__And__ so...__I will show you__ another__Good trick that I know!"_

"Your tricks are always dirty, Edward!" Roy groaned. "Remember that one time…?"

"You've been cheating on me with FullMetal?" Archer asked, looking dangerously close to firing his gun at Roy.

"No, no! Not at all! Eheh. Carry on!" Roy urged, hoping to calm down Archer's insane wrath.

_"__Then we saw him pick up__All__ the things that were down.__He picked up the cake,__And the rake, and the gown,__And the milk, and the strings,__And the books, and the dish,__And the fan, and th__e cup,__And the ship, and the freak__"_ Archer noticed he lost the rhyme, but didn't bother to correct it, instead continuing, _"__And he put them away.__Then he said__,"_

_ "That is that."_

_"__And then he was gone__With__ a tip of his hat.__"_

"Tah tah!" Edward grinned and tilted his hat, happier than ever to get out of something. "Now where's my Philosopher's Stone!?" He could be heard demanding in the background.

_"__Then our mother came in__,"_ Archer continued with a sigh, _"__And she said to us two__,"_

_"Did you have any fun?__Tell me__ What did you do?"_

"Wait, mother?" Archer and Roy glanced up at the same time as Riza Hawkeye walked in, gun trained on both their heads. "Um. Awkward."

"Yeah, really," Roy stated, eyes wide as the saucers the Shrimp in the Hat had picked up not long ago.

_"__And Sally and I did not know__What__ to say.__Should we tell her__The__ things that went on there that day?__"_

Roy snorted at that. "Yeah, hey mom, a Shrimp in a hat came over and our freak started talking to us, and there were these things in a box and…"

Warning shots were fired at Roy's head and he instantly shut up, staring terrified at Riza. "Be quiet, both of you. Let's end this."Archer didn't hesitate. _"__Should we tell her about it?__Now, what SHOULD we do?__Well...__What would YOU do__If__ your mother asked YOU?__"_

"Not tell her the truth, obviously." Roy snorted, and then Riza fired a warning shot at his head. Luckily the Colonel ducked in time.

"Alright boys, cut and paste, that's a wrap!" Riza smiled happily and walked off, leaving Archer, Roy, and Armstrong alone and in silence.

"Well… that was… possibly the strangest thing I've ever done." Said the pale Lieutenant Colonel, sweatdropping.


End file.
